During my lengthy career, I have heard comments from patients that stood out among the many discussions we had. They represented, often in just a few words, thoughts and emotions that captured key issues in the person’s life. In turn, patients have informed me about comments I made that proved significant to them, words they will long remember. These brief comments in therapy might be understood as micromoments, a concept I have frequently spoken and written about.
The following are representative examples:
An eight-year-old very perceptive girl whose parents were involved in a turbulent, angry divorce said, “My parents would rather be angry with each other than love me.”
A 15-year-old boy who was struggling with learning problems lamented, “Dr. Brooks, I was born with half a brain, do you know how to fill in the other half?”
A man in his mid-40s had struggled his entire life with a very strained, complicated relationship with his father that was negatively affecting his own interactions with his two children. After months of therapy, he said, “One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in therapy was that it was not my fault that my father didn’t love or accept me. I can finally give up the fantasy that he would eventually accept me for who I am. “For the first time in my life, I feel free, not trying to gain affection that will never come.”
At one of our last meetings, a 30-year-old woman recalled a comment I made during our initial session. At that first session she wanted to tell me something, but she feared that if she did, I would think she was “crazy.” Eventually, with obvious determination and anxiety, she was able to tell me. I quickly replied, “I know it took a lot of courage for you to tell me what you just did.” Now, a year later, she remarked, “I will never forget that you used the word ‘courage’ in a very genuine way. After you did, I felt more comfortable sharing things about my life with you.”
A Girl’s Question about “Mattering”
I could devote an entire article to each of these patients and the impact their brief comments had on my professional and personal life. Instead, my focus in this month’s column will be on the next example of a depressed 12-year-old girl with a very low sense of self-worth who felt her parents showered all of their love on her older sister and younger brother but not on her. She saw herself as an “outcast” in her family. She expressed this feeling of exclusion with the following poignant and powerful statement: “I think if I left tomorrow, they wouldn’t even notice I was gone. I keep wondering, ‘Do I matter? Do I matter to them at all?’”
I was very moved by her use of the word “matter.” What does it mean to feel you don’t matter? I recalled the poignant song “Mr. Cellophane” in the show “Chicago,” in which the character Amos Hart feels people look right through him and never realize he’s there. It’s as if he were invisible.
In contrast to the images in Mr. Cellophane, I considered how I emphasize that two essential features of resilience include feeling unconditional love and believing you make a positive difference in the lives of others. Enriching the lives of others is associated with a sense of purpose, a feeling that your life “matters.”
The Lifelong Impact of Feeling You Matter
Thoughts about my 12-year-old patient’s question of “Do I matter?” re-surfaced while I was reading a Working Paper (WP) recently released by the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University titled “Mattering in Early Childhood: Building a Stronger Foundation for Life.”
It was authored by Dr. Lindsey Burghardt and Jennifer Wallace. The ideas and strategies detailed in this paper resonated with the strength-based approach I have long advocated.
Mattering was defined as “the feeling that we are valued and have value to add to this world. . . . While mattering is important to us all, our sense of whether or not we matter—to our loved ones, our communities, and the world at large—begins in the earliest days of infancy. And while it’s never too late to build a sense of mattering, by starting early we can have an outsized positive effect on children’s lifelong health and well-being.”
The WP distinguished the concept of “mattering” from that of “belonging,” positing that “belonging refers to whether or not we fit into a community, while mattering encompasses whether we feel valued within our communities and whether what we do makes a difference.” Mattering is understood to “go deeper” than belonging. “When you feel that you matter, it ensures not only that you have a place, but that your presence and contributions truly count to those around you. . . . Mattering has two essential ingredients: feeling valued and adding value.”
Brain Development and Mattering
The WP also related mattering to brain development, noting that “the foundation for mattering is laid in infancy, when the brain architecture that shapes our emotions, guides our behavior, and forms our emerging sense of self begins to take shape. . . . When those first foundational layers of brain architecture are anchored in “mattering”—consistent signals that you and your contributions are valued—they help create a foundation sturdy enough to handle the complex social interactions we all face throughout childhood, adolescence, and later in life.”
This focus on the early roots of mattering and brain development parallels views I have shared in earlier publications. In an article I posted almost 11 years ago, I detailed research conducted by psychologists Michael Tomasello and Felix Warneken that revealed toddlers as young as 18 months spontaneously engaged in acts of altruism, helping an adult without any expectation of a reward. In fact, when a reward was added in one of the studies, it actually reduced altruistic behavior.
In addition, in Tenacity in Children: Nurturing the Seven Instincts for Lifetime Success, a book I co-authored with my friend and colleague Sam Goldstein, we wrote that rudimentary forms or predispositions of attributes such as altruism, empathy, compassion, and fairness are present at birth, ready to be nurtured by parents and other caregivers. Also, the development of these qualities is linked to specific regions of the brain.
Physical and Emotional Well-Being
Feeling that you matter is associated with greater health and well-being. As the WP described, when you think that you do not matter and are not valued, it can affect your immune system and increase lifelong risks for heart attacks and other medical and psychological problems. The importance of mattering at all ages was captured in a longitudinal study undertaken by psychologist Michael Poulin and colleagues.
Poulin’s research involved 846 individuals between the ages of 34 to 93. The participants were requested to report stressful events they had encountered during the previous year, such as serious, non-life-threatening illness, death of a family member, loss of a job, and financial struggles. They were also asked to indicate assistance they had provided to family, friends, or neighbors during the year. The assistance involved giving them rides or helping with their shopping, housework, errands, babysitting, or other tasks.
The researchers then collected information about which participants died during the five-year follow-up period, adjusting for age, baseline health, and psychosocial variables. In analyzing the data, Poulin noted that there was “a significant interaction between helping behavior, stressful events, morbidity, and mortality. . . . Helping others predicted reduced mortality specifically by buffering the association between stress and mortality.” In citing this study, psychologist Kelly McGonigal concluded, “Caring created resilience.” We might say, “Mattering created resilience.”
These research findings challenge us to identify effective strategies to nurture a sense of mattering, beginning at birth and continuing in our schools, workplaces, and other settings. The WP is very encouraging about our ability to strengthen mattering: “The power of mattering is that it is remarkably actionable. . . . All of us can take steps to help the children in our communities feel that they matter. We can help ensure every child is part of a broader mattering ecosystem that clearly demonstrates how children and their contributions are valued and needed.”
In next month’s article, I will review actions we can take to promote a sense of mattering across all ages and settings. I should note that discussions of mattering complement other topics I have addressed, including in my most recent articles about happiness preceding success. For example, mattering elicits positive emotions that set the stage for success in various endeavors.
As I’ve often done in my monthly articles, I like to pose questions for readers to reflect on before sending out and posting my next article. These questions are:
“What was a situation when you were a child (or adult) in which you felt valued?”
“What was a situation when you were a child (or adult) in which you felt unnoticed or undervalued?”
“As a parent, teacher, or caregiver what do you do to help your children/students feel they matter?”
“As a leader or manager, what do you do to help your staff feel they matter?”
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I want to wish everyone a happy and peaceful holiday season and New Year.