In last month’s article, I discussed the concept of “mattering.” I quoted a 12-year-old girl I was seeing in therapy who felt her parents bestowed all their love on her older sister and younger brother but none on her. She saw herself as an “outcast” in the family. She expressed this feeling of exclusion with the following emotional statement: “I think if I left tomorrow, they wouldn’t even notice I was gone. I keep wondering, ‘Do I matter? Do I matter to them at all?’”
I have heard similar comments in my clinical practice and consultations, even if the word “matter” was not used. A 35-year-old man who worked in a biotech company at which I was consulting said, “No one feels appreciated here. You can contribute to the success of this organization, but you never hear a word of appreciation from the people running the company.”
A 10-year-old boy who was referred to me following the unexpected death of his mother told me, “I don’t get it. The only thing my teacher said to me when I came back to school after being away for a week was that she would give me time to catch up on my homework. My mother dies and she’s talking about homework! Couldn’t she have said something about my mother dying? It was like she didn’t care.”
In my December article, I cited a Working Paper (WP) recently released by the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University titled “Mattering in Early Childhood: Building a Stronger Foundation for Life,” it was authored by Dr. Lindsey Burghardt and Jennifer Wallace.
These authors defined “mattering” as “the feeling that we are valued and have value to add to this world. . . . While mattering is important to us all, our sense of whether or not we matter—to our loved ones, our communities, and the world at large—begins in the earliest days of infancy. And while it’s never too late to build a sense of mattering, by starting early we can have an outsized positive effect on children’s lifelong health and well-being.” Burghardt and Wallace also noted that a feeling of mattering in young children, which I believe is rooted in unconditional acceptance and love, nurtured brain development and physical and emotional well-being.
Mattering throughout Our Lives
To feel we matter is essential throughout our lives, in the different settings we inhabit (e.g., home, school, work, community) and in the different roles we assume (e.g., parent, teacher, supervisor, employee, son, daughter, sibling, spouse). At the conclusion of my December article, I posed the following questions:
“What was a situation when you were a child (or adult) in which you felt valued?”
“What was a situation when you were a child (or adult) in which you felt unnoticed or undervalued?”
“As a parent, teacher, or caregiver what do you do to help your children/students feel they matter?”
“As a leader or manager, what do you do to help your staff feel they matter?”
A number of my readers wrote to me about these questions. Interestingly, several said they concentrated on the last two questions, considering what, if anything, they did at work or at home to help their staff, colleagues, or family feel they mattered.
During my career, I have heard a range of responses to this last question. Some acknowledged that they need to be more conscientious about helping others feel valued, but sometimes with qualifiers, such as: “Why should I appreciate others if they don’t appreciate me?” “My wife doesn’t thank me for the things I do, so why should I thank her?” “If I complimented the people I work with, it wouldn’t change their behavior. Most are just self-centered.”
An Ulterior Motive?
One of the favorite reasons I’ve heard for not appreciating others because they do not appreciate us was offered by a middle school teacher, Judy (a pseudonym), who informed me that she was seriously considering leaving her job. “No one says hello. You hardly ever see someone smile. And compliments from other teachers or school administrators are in short supply. It can be really depressing.” After empathizing about working in such an environment, I asked Judy if there was anything she could do to remedy this situation.”
Judy replied, “I’m just one person. What can I do?” She paused, and then with a slight smile, asked, “Are you suggesting I greet everyone with a smile when I arrive at the school each morning and I compliment them during the day?”
I answered, “I guess my question does suggest that you do things that will help people feel they matter, that you find opportunities to compliment them as long as the compliments are genuine.” Judy then raised the likelihood that her colleagues would think she had an ulterior motive if she changed her behavior “in such a drastic way.”
Since Judy told me she was likely to leave her position, I asked her, “What do you have to lose by expressing genuine, positive comments?” I also shared research on the impact of positive emotions in the workplace and gave her an article I had written, in which I noted the work of psychologist Shawn Achor. In his book Before Happiness, Achor described his consultation with Ochsner Health System, based in Louisiana. Ochsner adopted the 10/5 Way, initially implemented by the Ritz-Carlton Hotel chain. All hospital staff were trained to smile when within 10 feet of another person and to say hello when within five feet—whether it was a patient or another employee. This plan significantly improved patient satisfaction, care, and medical outcomes at the hospital.
Achor reported that some staff found it relatively easy to adhere to the 10/5 Way, while others were more skeptical. Some had a difficult time believing that “something so seemingly trivial as saying hello or smiling could possibly have any real impact on health outcomes.” Achor emphasized that such gestures help patients feel more connected to their doctors and, as a result, they “are more likely to follow the treatment regimen and return for vital checkups.”
What eventually transpired at Ochsner? Even the most skeptical doctors began to adopt more positive behaviors as “people were saying hello and smiling at them. Not just employees but patients as well. You’ve probably noticed how when someone says hello and smiles at you, your automatic reaction is to say hello or smile back. Well, that’s exactly what those doctors started doing. . . . In short, the behavior became contagious.”
It was a very positive contagion that reinforced the message, “You matter. You are valued.”
Judy decided to “conduct an experiment” and change her behavior as the Ochsner staff had done. She smiled as she informed me what had happened at her school. “As I expected, I think at first some of my colleagues wondered what my ulterior motive was. One even asked why I was smiling, and I told her I’ve been thinking about what brings enjoyment to my job and that I’d rather smile than frown all the time. Not everyone followed this positive path, but enough did that I’ve decided not to leave the school.”
I recognize that the first reaction of people learning about the experience at Ochsner or Judy’s school might be, “What they did will never work here. Too many people are too set in their ways to begin to appreciate and value their staff or colleagues.” That may be true, but as I told Judy when she questioned whether positive gestures would be effective, it may still be worth the attempt.
Mattering in the Workplace
The Harvard WP focused primarily on the significant benefits of helping children and adolescents feel they mattered. However, one of their recommendations was directed towards business leaders, suggesting, “Reinforce to employees that they matter by involving them in decisions that affect their jobs, keeping workloads reasonable, and recognizing their impact. When employees feel they matter at work, they have more bandwidth to care for their families.” I would add that they also have more energy, purpose, and motivation to be increasingly effective in meeting their work responsibilities.
In this regard, I recently read an article titled, “The Power of Affirmation at Work,” posted by the Harvard Business Review. It was written by Dr. Zach Mercurio, an expert on purposeful leadership, mattering, and meaningful work, and the author of The Power of Mattering: How Leaders Can Create a Culture of Significance. Mercurio observed that while leaders are increasingly aware of the importance of employee appreciation and recognition, employees continue to report feeling unappreciated.
Why this disconnect? Mercurio wrote that in his research on mattering and what leads people to feel valued at work, he asks the following question: “When do you most feel you matter?” He found that “most respondents didn’t mention awards, rewards, perks, or pay increases. Instead, they described brief yet consistent interactions with leaders who highlighted their strengths, pointed out the downstream impact of their efforts, or reminded them how their everyday contributions were needed.”
Mercurio added that these interactions weren’t “examples of generic application or recognition. They’re experiences of specific affirmation—having one’s unique qualities and impact noticed, named, and validated.” While he was alluding to the workplace, I believe his comments were equally relevant to any environment, including the home and school.
Appreciation, Recognition, and Affirmation
Mercurio distinguished among “appreciation,” “recognition,” and “affirmation,” noting that all three are important. He viewed appreciation and recognition as typically expressed through more general actions, such as “awards, events, or programs,” whereas affirmation is delivered through specific, personalized interactions. He added, “And what I’ve learned in my work is that for many employees, the daily experience of feeling valued is missing.”
I was intrigued by Mercurio’s distinction among appreciation, recognition, and affirmation. I believe that in past writings and presentations, my focus may have been more on appreciation and recognition, especially as I considered Mercurio’s statement that affirmation was tied to humans’ “inherent need to feel unique.” He cited social psychologist Christina Maslach, who labeled this need “individuation,” which Mercurio saw as “a requirement for feeling that we matter,” adding, “People need genuine relationships with leaders who give them evidence that their presence makes a difference.”
The wish to make a difference is a central theme of the strength-based approach I have striven to adopt in both my professional and personal life. As I reflected on Mercurio’s description of affirmation, several memories from my own life came to mind. One concerned a supervisor during my training who complimented my clinical skills and said, “Just know what a difference you’ve made in this child and family’s life.” I was especially moved by this comment.
Another situation involved giving a presentation about “fostering family closeness and respect” for a group of business leaders. After I finished, a man came up and said, “My wife wants to thank you for today’s talk.” I assumed his wife was in the audience. I said, “Thank you,” and before I could ask to meet his wife, he said, “She’s not here.” He could see my perplexed look and explained, “I plan to use what I learned from your talk to be a more empathic, grateful, attentive husband. Please know that you’ve really impacted my life and my wife’s life as well. Thank you.”
I am aware that some professions, such as clinical psychology, may offer more direct opportunities to help people feel they matter than other work situations. However, as I wrote in a previous article, leaders in any line of work can communicate to their staff that what they do matters. Very importantly, regardless of one’s work responsibilities, there are many occasions outside of work to help others feel valued. Recall that the definition of mattering is “the feeling that we are valued and have value to add to this world.”
In my February article, I plan to examine more fully, using Mercurio’s definition, how affirming others can enrich our lives and those of the people we affirm. As many of my readers know, I have often quoted psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl in my presentations and writings, noting that his book Man’s Search for Meaning is one of the most influential books I have ever read (and re-read). Thus, I wish to share the following passage from Mercurio’s book The Power of Mattering, in which he quotes Frankl:
While feeling valued by others gives us a sense of support as we engage in difficulty, adding value exerts a pulling force that keeps us going. Viktor Frankl famously wrote, “He who has a ‘why’ to live can bear almost any ‘how.’ When we feel significant, our lives have meaning. Meaning pulls us through even the most difficult circumstances.”
Given the significance of mattering, I will conclude by posing a couple of questions similar to those in last month’s article. Consider how you would reply.
“When was a time you felt valued by someone? What did the situation involve?”
“When was a time when you helped someone to feel valued? What did the situation involve?”