In my December article, I discussed the concept of “mattering,” with a focus on helping children and adolescents feel that they matter. In last month’s article, I described actions that can be taken in settings such as the workplace to convey to people that they are valued. I also introduced the work of Dr. Zach Mercurio, an expert on purposeful leadership, mattering, and meaningful work, and the author of The Power of Mattering: How Leaders Can Create a Culture of Significance.
This article will delve further into Mercurio’s work, but first, a brief review of the concept of mattering, as described in a Working Paper (WP) authored by Dr. Lindsey Burghardt and Jennifer Wallace and released by the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. It was this WP that initially drew my attention to the subject of mattering.
Burghardt and Wallace defined “mattering” as “the feeling that we are valued and have value to add to this world. . . .While mattering is important to us all, our sense of whether or not we matter—to our loved ones, our communities, and the world at large—begins in the earliest days of infancy. Burghardt and Wallace also noted that a feeling of mattering in young children, which I believe is rooted in unconditional acceptance and love, nurtured brain development and physical and emotional well-being.
The Harvard WP focused primarily on the noteworthy benefits of helping children and adolescents feel they mattered. However, one of their recommendations was directed towards business leaders: “Reinforce to employees that they matter by involving them in decisions that affect their jobs, keeping workloads reasonable, and recognizing their impact. When employees feel they matter at work, they have more bandwidth to care for their families.”
Being Affirmed at Work
In researching the topic of mattering in the workplace, I came across an article by Mercurio, “The Power of Affirmation at Work,” which was posted by the Harvard Business Review.
Mercurio wrote that in his research on mattering and what leads people to feel valued at work, he asks the following question: “When do you most feel you matter?” He found that “most respondents didn’t mention awards, rewards, perks, or pay increases. Instead, they described brief yet consistent interactions with leaders who highlighted their strengths, pointed out the downstream impact of their efforts, or reminded them how their everyday contributions were needed.” Mercurio emphasized that these interactions weren’t “examples of generic application or recognition. They’re experiences of specific affirmation—having one’s unique qualities and impact noticed, named, and validated.”
Mercurio distinguished among “appreciation,” “recognition,” and “affirmation,” noting that all three are important. He viewed appreciation and recognition as typically expressed through more general actions, such as “awards, events, or programs,” whereas affirmation is delivered through specific, personalized interactions.
In his book, Mercurio explained the differences. “When we recognize someone, we make their contributions visible. We elevate and give thanks for what they do.” Mercurio observed that “someone can be recognized but not appreciated.” He added that in appreciating someone, we convey that we value their presence, giving “thanks for who they are.”
However, Mercurio asserted that someone can be recognized and appreciated without feeling affirmed. He emphasized, “When we affirm a person, we demonstrate how they uniquely matter. In doing so, we help them experience the mattering predictors of importance (we have significance to others) and reliance (others rely on our contributions).” Mercurio added that if we are to feel valued, “we must experience consistent evidence of how we’re valued.” To convey this “how,” he recommended that leaders notice and label “four everyday gifts each person brings: strengths, purpose, perspective, and wisdom.”
The Four Gifts
I will briefly review the four gifts identified by Mercurio. To those interested in gaining a deeper understanding of his work and knowledge of the very specific questions he recommends leaders ask their team members, I suggest you read his book, The Power of Mattering: How Leaders Can Create a Culture of Significance. While Mercurio’s focus was on the role of leaders in the workplace, his framework for mattering is applicable to settings beyond the workplace, including homes, schools, and sports, and different relationships such as spouse/partner, parent/child, teacher/student, and leader/staff.
Strengths. This gift is defined as the things people love to do, are passionate about, and excel at. It aligns with the “islands of competence” metaphor I introduced more than 40 years ago. Mercurio suggests that as leaders view members of their team, they reflect on the following questions:
“When is each member at their best, and what are they doing?”
“In what contexts are they most energized?”
“What do others ask them to help with?”
In my clinical work and consultations, I ask similar questions, the exact words of which depend on the situation:
“When was the last time you saw your child happy or passionate about doing something? What were they doing?”
“When did you see this student most engaged in their work?”
“What are this person’s islands of competence, and how do you provide opportunities for them to use these strengths?”
Purpose. Mercurio defines this gift as “someone’s unique impact on a group” and recommends the following questions be considered:
“How do they use their strengths to make a difference for the team?”
“What do they care about making better?”
“What’s missing when they’re not there?”
The strength-based approach I advocate emphasizes that a major source of a sense of purpose is enhancing the lives of others. It is for this reason that I pose such questions as:
“What is one thing this student does in school that improves the lives of others?”
“What opportunities do you provide in the workplace so that your staff/employees recognize how their work improves the well-being of others?”
“What do you do as a family to contribute to the well-being of your community?”
Perspective. This is how someone perceives their work, their life, and the world, shaped by their experiences. The following are the questions associated with this dynamic:
“Do they tend to notice possibilities, constraints, or risks?”
“Do they ask more how, what, or why questions?”
“What do they notice that others overlook?”
Perspective touches upon two concepts I have frequently addressed. One is mindset, which refers to the assumptions and expectations we hold about ourselves and others that guide our behavior. If, given past experiences, an employee’s mindset at work is to say little for fear of retribution, it’s important for a leader to look beyond the silence and, in a respectful way, invite input and feedback from that employee. It may take several attempts before the employee responds, but the leader’s affirmation is likely to make the employee feel more comfortable sharing ideas.
For a leader’s message to be successful involves the second concept: empathy. The ability to see the world through the eyes of another person, both on a cognitive and affective level, and to validate their perspective (as I’ve often written, validation doesn’t mean you agree with another person but rather that you’re attempting to understand their viewpoint), communicates affirmation.
In his book, Mercurio emphasized: “When you start coming to know someone’s perspective, you can articulate it. For example, ‘We value how you see the upside of seemingly difficult events, and we could use your input to handle this situation.’ Honoring someone’s perspective embraces their full humanity. Nurturing that point of view means allowing them to use their experiences to contribute.”
Wisdom. This fourth gift is based on what we have learned from living as we have. Mercurio recommended that leaders think about the following questions:
“What’s something only they can teach the team?”
“What experiences have shaped how they see the world, and how do they use that to affect the group?”
“What lessons about the work can they share based on their career or life experiences?”
Asking someone to teach others based on their experience and knowledge is a sign of respect and affirmation. It is an action that is closely intertwined with the other gifts, especially strengths and purpose, and, as I noted earlier, is relevant beyond the workplace. For example, a favorite strategy I have used with children and adolescents in schools, especially those who are struggling with learning, is to arrange for them to assist or read to a younger student. Jake, a young adolescent boy with whom I worked, struggled with social skills. He had a keen interest in and knowledge of growing plants. A perceptive and empathic teacher and school principal helped Jake start a horticultural club. It provided him a comfortable way to interact with other students who shared his interest. The club placed plants in the lobby. Each time Jake entered the school building, he experienced positive emotions as he viewed his plants as well as a photo of the horticulture club. In essence, growing plants was a primary passion and an island of competence for him; teaching other students about growing plants represented a way he could share his wisdom and contribute to his school.
Concluding Thoughts
Mercurio ended his Harvard Business Review article by advocating that leaders regularly demonstrate to their employees that they matter. “Remember, each time a leader offers someone clear evidence of their significance, they strengthen that person’s belief that they matter. And when people feel that they matter, they act like they matter. They engage, commit, and stay.”
Whatever our age or life experiences, it’s always uplifting to feel we matter. In last month’s article, I described two examples from my own life in which feedback from a supervisor early in my career and from an attendee at one of my presentations reinforced my sense of mattering.
In this series of three articles about mattering, I have posed a number of questions for consideration. In ending, let me make a suggestion. Think of someone in your personal or professional life who has mattered to you and/or others, and find a way to let them know what a difference they have made.
And let us keep in mind the often-cited quote by Goethe, “Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of becoming.”